simple questions, complex answers

Since me and the last girlfriend broke up about 6 months ago Ive been dreading dealing with meeting a new girl for the simple fact that I anticipated having to have a conversation about my family and particular my brother. Because its tied to a relatively simple get to know you question which often comes up early in any courtship as to better understand who the other person is. Its just an awkward subject to broach on a first or second date, It happened last night at a bar with a girl whom I really like. She simply asked if I had any brothers or sisters to which I paused for a moment and then replied no. Which I instantly regretted for so many reasons, I felt like a liar, but more importantly I felt like I was doing my brother some injustice. Maybe its because I was in a loud bar and didnt think it was the place to have the conversation or maybe it was to soon, or maybe I just took the easy route out. The night went great and I will definitely see more of this girl but I cant help but feel racked by guilt for my omission. I have considered all the options, I could have said yes I have a brother, but that would lead down a painful path of questions regarding what does he do how old etc... I cant help but feel I took the only route I had. This may be one of the many aspects of getting to know my new life, the new me.

I feel guilty

I have decided that I will use this space to air the things which, I cant for whatever reason in my real life seem to vocalize. In some perverted way I hope no one ever reads this blog, but since its publicly viewable it can't be said that I am hiding these things, although this anonymity is in some ways a camouflage.

Its been about 6 months since my younger brother was murdered in what appears to be by all accounts a random act of violence with no apparent motive. I have many feelings of guilt around this, I was proud of him for turning his life around, he had in the past had brushes with the law as was the common path when you grow up in our neighborhood. I had always tried to lead by example show him that there were options for success beyond those that were readily apparent like theft dealing drugs etc... and while he made some missteps early in life he had of late turned a corner, he had begun upon a path which was clearly leading him towards a career. I had devoted much of my life to achieve outward success often swearing to myself that I would never have to live in our old neighborhood that I would have all the trappings of success and wealth and I set about making that happen for myself. Due to my focus on leaving my past behind I never spent enough time back home with my family or my brother, something that eats at me and helps make success feel empty. The real guilt I feel though can really be tied to a single tangible decision which if things had played out differently could have radically changed the direction of my life and that of my entire family. The day of my brothers murder was also my first day at the new job, and also a couple days after my birthday. We had planed to get together to both celebrate my birthday and new job on that day but I had postponed so that I could focus on getting of on the right foot at the new job and making the most of the momentous opportunity I had been presented with. Even as I was leaving for the day I contemplated just going over to the house to stop in and hang out for a bit, but convincing myself that this was me growing up being more responsible making the most of opportunity. Now I'm not stupid enough to take the blame for what happened but I cant help but be haunted by how different my life would be if he was out to dinner with me and the rest of the family that night instead of hanging out with his friends. And so I feel immense guilt at my selfishness and having distorted priorities, putting career before family isn't usually this costly but Ive come to think its always stupid.

being an allstar curler

Is it rewarding to be a world class curler if you think curling is the lamest sport ever invented.

I sell ideas, to be more exact I close business partnerships for web a based software company, people seem to think I'm really good at it. I have a job which my age would dictate should be out of my reach. I am considered a rock star within the company I work for, a rising star. I spend my days on the phone with many of the present and future movers and shakers in the Valley, yet I feel entirely unchallenged. I am constantly bored, I find myself reading the news, political blogs one in particular Wonkette because of the sarcasm particularly entertains me. I will use this space to post, to confess, to share my abject boredom because I cant share with people I know. Because I have attained what those around me covet it seems to ungracious to even hint that I am unhappy. My dream is to walk away from all of this and do something reckless, join the military, work in politics, build latrines in the 3rd world. I yearn to busy myself with things that make an immediate tangible impact on reality. Even if it is a small impact. I cant escape the nagging feeling that I am wasting my gifts, even when I am succeeding at my profession. This is only the beginning of my introduction. I need to go to bed because even though I couldn't care less about the 3 scheduled calls I have tomorrow morning everyone else does and for some reason thats enough to keep me from calling in sick.