I feel guilty

I have decided that I will use this space to air the things which, I cant for whatever reason in my real life seem to vocalize. In some perverted way I hope no one ever reads this blog, but since its publicly viewable it can't be said that I am hiding these things, although this anonymity is in some ways a camouflage.

Its been about 6 months since my younger brother was murdered in what appears to be by all accounts a random act of violence with no apparent motive. I have many feelings of guilt around this, I was proud of him for turning his life around, he had in the past had brushes with the law as was the common path when you grow up in our neighborhood. I had always tried to lead by example show him that there were options for success beyond those that were readily apparent like theft dealing drugs etc... and while he made some missteps early in life he had of late turned a corner, he had begun upon a path which was clearly leading him towards a career. I had devoted much of my life to achieve outward success often swearing to myself that I would never have to live in our old neighborhood that I would have all the trappings of success and wealth and I set about making that happen for myself. Due to my focus on leaving my past behind I never spent enough time back home with my family or my brother, something that eats at me and helps make success feel empty. The real guilt I feel though can really be tied to a single tangible decision which if things had played out differently could have radically changed the direction of my life and that of my entire family. The day of my brothers murder was also my first day at the new job, and also a couple days after my birthday. We had planed to get together to both celebrate my birthday and new job on that day but I had postponed so that I could focus on getting of on the right foot at the new job and making the most of the momentous opportunity I had been presented with. Even as I was leaving for the day I contemplated just going over to the house to stop in and hang out for a bit, but convincing myself that this was me growing up being more responsible making the most of opportunity. Now I'm not stupid enough to take the blame for what happened but I cant help but be haunted by how different my life would be if he was out to dinner with me and the rest of the family that night instead of hanging out with his friends. And so I feel immense guilt at my selfishness and having distorted priorities, putting career before family isn't usually this costly but Ive come to think its always stupid.